Andy Cohen must die!!

Who is Andy Cohen you ask? He is the man behind every "Real Housewives of......" on Bravo. Plus a plethora of other "reality" shows air via NBC Universal. The majority of these "reality stars" would probably perish once removed from their reality microcosm.

My wife seems to enjoy the "Real Housewives of..." series. To be honest every time one of these shows comes on I want to shoot myself in the head. I figure, I'd loose about the same number of brain cells. Now, I don't know anyone that behaves the way the "housewives" do and probably wouldn't associate with them if I did. I have never seen such self centered superficial cows as on these shows. If it weren't for their silicone, money and 6 degrees of separation. You would find these women turning tricks on a corner somewhere or working a pole at a local strip joint. Everything is a trauma, God forbid something not be centered on them or one of their spawn. There are very few profanities in my vocabulary that I withhold for sheer shock value. The "C" word is one. Yet every time these shows come on I must choke back the urge to scream it at the T.V.

Currently, Cohen is named as Executive or Co-producer in 7 Real Housewives franchises. Plus the spin off "Bethenny Getting Married?" and "Bethenny ever after". If you've ever seen Bethenny Frankel, she looks as though she's either a plastic surgery twin of Latoya Jackson or she's wearing female chimp make up from"The Planet of the Apes"

Don't get me wrong, I really don't bear Andy Cohen any malice, I understand that America will always be drawn to a freak show. Look at the talk show phenomena of the 80's & 90's. The parade of freaks on Jerry Springer, Maury, Montel, Jenny Jones or any of the other ringmasters every day. It's much like seeing a gruesome accident you have to look. Mr. Cohen does have some commendable shows to his credit. But it always reminds me of brownie points no matter how many you accrue one "oh shit" wipes the slate clean. 


Now please excuse me,  I have to go find some way to remove these shows from my cerebral cortex before they become permanently etched in my memory.  

Things that make me laugh

First, I can't believe I haven't blogged in 2 years!! Holy cow, if you've read any of my previous blogs you know I look at things a little differently. Some are amused, some are annoyed, but, I blog for my entertainment. Like most of the things I do, it's for my amusement if you are entertained great!! If not, oh well.

Smart phones make me laugh. Android, iPhone, Windows or whatever. They are often smarter than their owners and the apps they have. I never knew that I needed some of these apps. Like the air horn/fart app. Okay, farts are funny, sorry but, they are. So, who knew you needed a flatulent phone? My favorite thing about smart phones has got to be texting. Yep, auto correct texting. Until now I had no idea that my oldest daughter's name would auto correct to kabob. 

The government makes me laugh, where else could you get so many people arguing about how to spend money they don't have. I mean really the Democrats want to spend money that doesn't exist and the Republicans argue to spend less of the money that doesn't exist. Maybe I'm stupid but, if I don't have money, trying to spend it is a mute point. Like the old song says, "nothing from nothing leaves nothing"

Reality/Game shows, you know the ones. Survivor, Amazing race, Big Brother. Every season we get the usual cast of characters.The good guy, handsome, young, honest, down to Earth, with just enough bad luck to make you feel sorry for him. The bad guy, ruthless and will do anything to win. We hate him with the first syllable he speaks. The hot chick, sometimes she's the good girl, sometimes she's the bad girl. Guys like her most of the women hate her. The gay guy you gotta have one or the show isn't complete and the more outlandish the better. The ethnic guy, anything but Caucasian. Why so we all have some to root for or say "see, that's where the stereotype comes from".

Speaking of reality Game shows there's Dancing With The Stars. We all tune in every season to see who the fat star is gonna be and how bad are they going to look. Like rubbernecking at an accident. Likewise the old star, athlete and person who couldn't dance to save their life. My favorite is still Master P, proving for all time that not all black men have rhythm.

Lastly, Barrack Obama recently announced that he's going to begin campaigning for re-election. REALLY?
I didn't realize he stopped campaigning from the last election.

And then there is this. If you think your life is rough, check out these whiny asses http://whitewhine.com/

Now, go have a nice day!

Hot times in the shaggin wagon part I

Now before anyone gets offended, I call the van that because I think it's funny. I mean come on how sexy can a '96 Ford Aerostar be?
See, I always get the hand me down car. I'm not really complaining it's just a fact. We get a new car and I start driving the one it replaced. Upon receipt of my "new"car, my beautiful wife always says "take care of it so we can sell it someday". Not realizing that at that point they really have no resale value. So far, the only time I have sold one of the hand me downs was to the state when it wouldn't smog. But I digress.

So, my form of transportation these days is a red over silver 1996 Ford Aerostar XLT (OOO Sexy). I can't complain it's been very reliable and provided me with some really good jokes. But recently, I've had problems with the cooling system. First there was the OEM radiator cap the stop sealing. Nothing like driving down the road spewing antifreeze. I thought that would solve the overheating problem but, I was wrong. Recently it has been running hotter than usual, not overheating but definitely hotter than it had ever run before. Now a curious thing about the Ford Aerostar radiators, they can be blowing a literal geyser out the cap,but the top of the radiator and surround remain cool to the touch. Making you question your gauges. At this point I had not had a boil over. Although the gauge tended to be almost in the red by the time I drove the 11 miles from home to work or vice versa.

Thursday morning I was off work and had an acquaintance volunteer to check the sensor at his garage. Free mechanic's services (Oh yeah baby, I'm there). I get to the shop at the appointed time and wait a little. Hey it's free, I'm off all day. So what do I care? The van is in the bay for about 30 minutes. Then comes the "diagnosis"(insert Law & Order badonk here). "It's not the sensor (crap!) I ran a pressure test and there's no leak (I knew that) so the overheating is caused by either the thermostat or the fins in the water pump eroding and not circulating properly (double crap!!)". He suggests starting with the thermostat since it's the cheapest and easiest to fix. This guy is some kind of comedian, because the Aerostar like most van has a very small hood. So all engine work is either done through this 18 inch opening in the front or through "dog house" in the passenger compartment. Either one requires being flexible and willing to leave skin and blood in the engine compartment. Although I am capable of doing most auto repair doesn't mean I want too. But I'm also pretty cheap so spending a couple hundred dollars on labor for something I can do...not gonna happen.

After the diagnosis about my cooling system I headed home. I got about 3 mile when the temp. gauge red-lines and I get a boil over. I get off the highway and make it into a shopping center that has a Kragen auto parts and a gas station. By now the valves are clattering and I'm concerned about the engine turning into a large lump of molten iron. I start spewing a soliloquy of obscenities (I'm not bragging, just stating facts). So here I stand the van blowing steam and water that would do Yellowstone proud cussing like a nomadic truck driver. I figure, I'll wait for it to cool, replace the coolant and head for home. Now is the time this "homeless" guy walks up and asks for a hand-out. Now before anyone starts thinking that I'm a cold hearted S.O.B. I'll just say you are absolutely right I am. This guy stinks of urine, stale booze, cigarette smoke and I figure he made substance abuse his priority in life so be it. Don't ask me to support it. But, I opt for "sorry" and go back to staring under the hood of the Aerostar.


I call my loving wife and tell her what's going on and I'll probably be home sometime that day. But, now I have the beginning of a caffeine withdrawal headache. If you're not caffeine dependant you wouldn't understand. So, I walk about a block to a McDonalds to get my coffee fix and then over to Kragen to get some antifreeze. I opt for the 50/50 antifreeze because I have no water to mix with it. The van has stopped blowing coolant so I open the cap and another gush of coolant comes out.
I decide to wait a little longer and here comes Mr. Pissypants again "escuse me got any shpare change?"
I turned from looking under the hood and this guy gets a look of abject terror in his eyes a I growl "go away".

After about 45 minutes I add the antifreeze. Okay radiator's full, cap is on, now to try and start it. The van turns over but refuses to start. Another soliloquy of obscenities spew forth. I get out of the van and here come Mr. Pissypants again. I guess he figures third times a charm, that or his brain is so fried he can't remember asking twice already for money. He asks for money and my kind loving response was
"LOOK A--HOLE, I"VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS! NOW, LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS" He left.

I wait a few more minutes and the van reluctantly starts and I attempt the other 5 miles home. I take the highway because I think it will be faster. As I get to my off ramp there goes the temperature gauge. It creeps toward the red. I've got just a little over a mile to get home and every stinking light turns red. I limp home and now the engine sounds like a old diesel on a cold morning. But I'm home and hopefully I'll be able to fix whatever damage there is and drive the van again. To be continued.....

Excuse me ma'am but there is a dead mouse on your shoulder

To say that I know virtually nothing about couture is understatement, to say that I care even less would be a gross understatement. Yet every now and again I see something in the world of fashion that makes me take pause. Then the Dr. Phil voice goes off in the back off my head and I want to ask "What in the Hell are you thinking?"

Until now had someone said the word Pashmina to me I would have thought they were talking about some character from Aladdin. But no, a Pashmina seems to be a shawl like scarf. I came across 2 ladies wearing Cashmere Pashimas. One in a beautiful chocolate hue and the other in a delightful mauve. On both of their Pashminas were 3 rows of fur tufts dyed to match the Pashmina. These tuft were approximately a 1 1/2 inches in diameter. They looked as though someone had taken a field mouse dyed it and sewed it to the Pashmina. On the end of the scarf was another fur ball that looked like its tail was used to attach it to the scarf. I'm told these are actually rabbit fur and these Pashminas sell for  $400-700. Along the same line only less money is the rabbit fur ball scarf. These are rabbit fur balls about 1 1/2 inches in diameter that are dyed any color and and attached to each other by yarn. Giving them the appearance of a colony of mice tied together by their tails. There goes the Dr. Phil voice again.

I've also run across a hair accessory that made me glad I didn't have my dog with me. What is with this fad of taking half a Quail or a Pheasant wing attaching to a clip or hair band and sticking it on your head? So here sits this woman with half a dead bird stuck on the side of her head and having a fit over the plant behind her that is being moved by the air conditioner. Which she finds very distracting. But the dead bird on her head is not?  

Finally, we come to the poser supreme. I only wish I had my camera with me on this one. I'm at the local Wal-mart (I know that's all I need to say but...). I'm walking down an isle and I see a biker coming towards me. He's in the full outlaw biker attire. Engineer boots, jeans, a t-shirt, black leather vest with patches etc. As I get closer I see a patch on the left that is white with black letters and trim that says "S.A.M.C.R.O." Now I have the confused poodle head tilt going. Above that patch is one that says "REDWOOD ORIGINAL" and as he passes, I see the patch logo from the Sons of Anarchy TV show across the back of his vest. Now this is one of my favorite shows and it's filmed through out Central and Northern California. So, I assume he's and extra or affiliated with the show. Oops, my bad. No, this guy really thinks he's riding with SAMCRO. So he's either delusional or so badass that the only gang that will take him is an imaginary one from the FX network. Either way I gave him a wide berth, but my money is more on the delusional side.

Now go have a nice day :)

When did this sound like a good idea?

Here's a few news stories that struck me as entertaining in the past week.

HEAVE TO AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED ARGH!!
PARIS - Somali pirates in two skiffs fired on a French navy vessel early Wednesday after apparently mistaking it for a commercial boat, the French military said. The French ship gave chase and captured five suspected pirates. No one was wounded by the volleys from the Kalashnikov rifles directed at La Somme, a 3,800-ton refueling ship, French military spokesman Rear Adm. Christophe Prazuck said
La Somme "was probably taken for a commercial ship by the two small skiffs" about 250 nautical miles off Somalia's coast, Prazuck said.
"They understood their mistake too late," he said.
One skiff fled, and La Somme pursued the second one in an hour-long chase. "There were five suspected pirates on board. No arms, no water, no food," Prazuck said.
This is the second time in the last year Somali pirates have attacked a French Navy ship, I'll bet none of the pirates know how to swim either.

Is that a hanging chad or are you just decomposing?
MOBILE, Ala. - Reynolds Smith Jr. was a stalwart Democratic voter. But the Alabama Democratic Party overlooked another fact when it appointed Smith to an interim party panel: He died in November at age 83.

Party executive director Jim Spearman told the Press-Register on Tuesday that the mistake was caused by outdated records. He said the party received Smith's name from a 2006 list of candidates for the Mobile County committee and then used a voter list to verify him as an active voter.
Wow, I'll bet ACORN had something to do with this!!

DIE YOU GUPPY BASTARD!!!
PORTLAND, Ore. - A Portland man who attacked his ex-girlfriend and impaled her pet fish this summer has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation and community service.

Donald Earl Fite III, 27, pleaded guilty Tuesday to animal abuse and domestic violence assault.
According to court records, Sarah Harris had broken up with Fite but returned to her Portland apartment July 25 to find him lying on her bed, saying he wanted to get back together. When Harris tried to leave, Fite shoved her against a wall, grabbed her hair and tossed her against a bathtub.Harris fled but returned with an officer to find her fish — a bright purple betta named "DeLorean" — on the wood floor with a knife through it. Nothing says love like skewering your beloved's fish to the floor.

Now go have a nice day :)

Humor in a stupid world

Those who know me well, know that I find humor in the oddest places. Occasionally even in horrific circumstances. Ask any EMS personnel and they'll tell you that most of the people they rescue are in the predicament because of their own stupidity or the stupidity of someone else. I guess that's why I'm a huge fan of the Darwin awards. Those people that have taken themselves out of the gene pool, I thank you. That having been said here are a few news stories that have made me laugh.

In N.Y. a man was attacked by a Siberian tiger. A story similar to the 2 brothers that were attacked by the tiger in San Francisco in 2007. Authorities believe alcohol was involved (it usually is). It seems this genius had a few and decided to break into the zoo and climb into the tiger enclosure. Now I've been intoxicated a time or 2. I've picked fights because I was drunk. But I have never drunk or sober, thought climbing into an enclosure with an animal 6 times my weight and capable of killing and eating me was a good idea. Yet, here is this guy who is sober enough to scale an 8 foot cyclone fence topped with razor wire, then climb another fence into the tiger compound. Sounds like a suicide attempt to me I say let the tiger eat him.

Here's a place you don't want to be known as a player. A Saudi court just sentenced a man to 5 years in prison and 1000 lashes for bragging about his sexual conquests on TV. They also shut down the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation that ran the piece for "promoting vice". Follow me on this, you live in a country that is ruled by Sharia law. This makes it illegal to have "premarital" sex and unrelated people of the opposite sex are not allowed to mingle. (I guess if you are related it's like living in Mississippi, but that's another blog.)
So you decide to go on TV and confess? I guess this kind of stupid would make police work a whole lot easier.

No joke: College removes zombie plan from site.
So you have your emergency preparedness plan right?
Extra food, water, medicine an evacuation plan for your home.
Ready for Earthquake? Check. Tornado? Check. Flood? Check. Zombies? HUH?
That's right I said Zombies. The University of Florida actually had a plan on their website for disaster recovery which detailed how the school could respond to an outbreak of the undead. The link was taken down late Thursday afternoon. The exercise lays out the university's response to attacks by "flesh-eating, apparently life impaired individuals." It notes that a zombie outbreak might include "documentation of lots of strange moaning." Although it was written with a "little bit" of levity it "really didn't belong on the site" according to a University spokesman.

Lastly, police in Slidell, Louisiana are looking for a naked burglar. Allegedly this guy broke into a home "buck naked". He ransacked the house, showered and cooked himself a meal. The home owner had a security surveillance system installed the month before. So the police have a nice clear picture of his face, tattoos and well everything else. But it's funnier to see the actual news clip so here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/33208681#33208681

Now go have a nice day :)

Just a few observations

I'm at work a couple days ago and one of our Hispanic employees is reading a newspaper called Vida en El Valle (Life in the valley). It's a newspaper for Latinos by Latinos, I'm told. She puts the paper down and I glance over at it and notice it's mostly in English. So I pick it up and with the exception of a few stories regarding, immigration and La Raza the whole thing is in English. The odd part everyone I've ever seen read this paper claims not to speak English. HUH?

Last month our President made a speech on Wall st. On the anniversary of  collapse of Lehman Brothers. He made references to the things that caused the economic collapse of  our country. Then he states "now we need to close the loopholes that allowed this to happen". OK, I don't have an MBA, I'm no rocket scientist but am I wrong in thinking that this is something that should have been done before we gave them a trillion dollars?

Bill Clinton is working on a biography, I think that's awesome, now we can all know what the definition of "is" and "sex" is. Since we couldn't establish it during his impeachment hearings.

Now there's a huge investigation and outcry against "Distracted Driving". Oh no, that's right the government is going to spend time, money and resources to determine how dangerous driving while distracted can be. There is a push by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to have national laws against, texting, computing, reading and putting on make up while driving. My question how do you ticket a soccer mom with a mini van full of screaming kids? Make her leave all her little angels at home or have individual cells for each kid in the vehicle.

Also in the headlines "Auto Sales tumble after 'clunkers' rush". No, really? You mean that since the government isn't handing out fists full of dollars for beaters that you couldn't get more than scrap prices for people aren't lining up to go in debt? Really? That makes absolutely no sense.

And lastly this just made me shake my head. Our esteemed speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi states that anyone demonstrating against and disagreeing with President Obama is racist. This is the same woman that said that disagreeing and demonstrating against George W. Bush was patriotic. So telling a white President he's a moron is patriotic, but telling a President of mixed race he's a moron is racist. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe that stupidity is race specific. So her comment by it's very nature would indicate that she believes stupidity and race are linked making her, that's right a RACIST!!

Now go have a nice day :)