Cowboy wisdom or just plain horse sense

As some may know I'm a huge fan of the American Cowboy. The guys that sat tall in the saddle, worked for everything they had and shot straight with guns, words and deeds. The John Waynes, Audie Murphys and Will Rogers. Now, I'm not confusing the men with an on screen persona. I'm talking about an attitude, philosophy and style that was straight forward and simple. 


You never have to ask real cowboy what he's thinking, because if he thought it was any of your business he'd tell you. But mainly it's the straight, simple logic or "horse sense". Here's some of my favorite quotes, some by the famous and some by the not so famous.


"Life's hard, it's harder when you're stupid"- John Wayne


"Courage, thats when you're scared to death but, you saddle up anyway" - John Wayne


"there's 3 types of people in this world, the ones that learn by reading. The ones that learn by seeing and then there's that damned fool that's got to piss on the electric fence himself"


"Bullets and words can't never be taken back"


"Don't squat with yer spurs on"

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, because you never know when you are finished."

“The trouble with doing something right the first time is that no one appreciates how difficult it was.”

"A crooked tree will never straighten its branches.”

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day". 

"There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works." 


"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around." 

"If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'."

"Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco." 

"It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

"Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut."

"Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment".

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson".

"When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else". 


"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back." 

"Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was".

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket". 

"A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle".

"Never miss a good chance to shut up". 


"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." - Will Rogers



"Sit tall in the saddle hold your head up high, keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky and live like you ain't afraid to die, don't be scared just enjoy your ride" -  Chris LeDoux"

Something old, something new, somethings I just don't get

So this blog is what happens when you get me in a tie, headed to a wedding and then give me TOO much time to think. I get the whole love of your life, happily ever after romance part. What I don't understand is some of the things that happen up to and during the reception.


The whole thing starts with a simple question, then everything gets weird. Theres picking the date, the colors, the wedding party, the venue etc. Somewhere along the line there's the engagement party. Friends and family gets together, bring gifts, get a little tipsy, a little emotional, wishes the couple well. It's sort of a pre-reception reception. Then the showers, more gifts more, more liquor etc. Bachelor and bachelorette parties, more liquor, more risqué gifts, starting to see a theme here. Work it right and a wedding can be a gold mine. 


Then we get to the big day, "friends and family" are invited that we haven't seen in years or even thought about. But what the Hell they'll at least send a present. Of course there are those that will show up just for free food and liquor. That's where Wal-mart comes in, we don't really know our cousin but, who couldn't use more kitchen utensils or bath towels?


Everyone gets to the appointed venue and theres all the "hi's, howdy, how long has it been, Lordy how the kids have grown" The subtext is a kin to that of a class reunion. "Wow, he's bald, Good Lord she got fat, I didn't know he was out of jail, I hope we're not at their table for the reception".


The ceremony starts and so do the OOHs, Ahhs and wows. "Isn't she beautiful?" " Gosh he's handsome" "what the Hell was that groomsman thinking with that hair cut" "Holy crap, that bridesmaid is way too fat for that dress"
There's the will you's and the I do's and he does and she does, stomp on the glass, jump the broom, let's get this party started!


So now comes the fun stuff. It seems throwing rice (no birds don't explode from eating uncooked rice) is to wish them fertility. In some European countries they throw eggs at the bride (that sound like too much fun!). Everyone files in the the reception and finds their respective tables (hopefully with someone you like). The band or DJ start up they introduce the couple. The toasts start, it always amuses me how much love they is at this moment. Then six months down the road, "what the Hell were they thinking, getting married to him/her what a _____".


Then the money dance, maybe I'm old fashioned. But if I'm gonna give money to a girl for a dance, there better be a pole and lap dance involved (just kidding, in case my wife reads this). The money dance actually started in Poland in the early 1900's. There's a lot of jokes I could go with, but I won't. A couple of weddings I've been to I think it was a bribe to get the bride to go away. 


Then everyone gets a little drunk and a select few always provide entertainment. You know the ones, the groomsman that really can't dance but, is drunk enough to believe he can. The girl thats dancing by herself, because no guy has the guts to get raped on the dance floor. The older father, uncle, grandfather etc. that thinks he's 20-50 years younger than he is. But, the kids are the ones to watch. The little ones that will try to emulate their parents or older siblings. Things that are down right embarrassing for adult or sitcom gold when a kid does them.


You have to excuse me now, my bride says it's time to go and if I keep her waiting she steals my cake. So for all those newlyweds, congratulations, MAZAL TOV and good luck. Hopefully, 30 years from now you'll be a grumpy old married man too!!

Happy day Mother_____!!

I dedicate this blog to all the restaurant workers in the U.S. The miserable lot that work to make Mother's day a great day for all the untalented, unimaginative idiots that can only show mom they care by taking her out to eat.

First, there's the moron that waits until the last minute to make a reservation. These idiots call the day before or that day to get a reservation. Then get all pissy because they are told no. They try to argue the point a little, "what do you mean you can't take anymore reservations?" "So what if I just show up?" etc. Then they try to come up with a reason why we should make an exception for them. Finally, they hang up, oh but we'll hear from this jackass again.

Next you have the idiot that makes a reservation for a much smaller party than they bring. "I have a reservation for Joe Smith at 1:30, we have a few more people with us" "Okay sir, your reservation is for 3". "Well.....there's....10 of us. What do you mean we'll have to wait until you have tables available? I have a reservation!!! These are the same dipsticks that don't count kids when they go out, then get indignant when they don't all fit in a small booth. These folks rank right up there with the Neanderthal that makes a reservation and figures "we can just show up whenever we damn well please, cause we've got a reservation."

One of my reservation maker favorites is the people that show up early then get mad because they have to wait for their table. If you wanted to be sat 4:30 then don't make the reservation for 5:00. It's your own damned fault you have to wait and yes if we are busy I will make your silly ass wait.

Of these is my final favorite, the mental midget that decides "we'll just show up....with a party of 10". No Einstein, I don't have an endless supply of tables and chairs I can pull out of my ass. This is the same jackass I spoke of earlier. Typically parties of 4-5 aren't a big problem. When you have to start rearranging furniture things get complicated quick. The more people the more tables, the more tables the longer the wait.

Squatters show up high on the list of holiday morons. You know the ones, the ones that have decided to have the family reunion in the restaurant. "We got our table, so we're gonna stay as long as we want. Sure I know there's 100 people out there waiting for a table, but I don't care".

Now, I don't expect civilians to understand any of this. They'll continue to do this crap year after year and blame the restaurants they patronize. What really galls me is when the cadre of people we work with compound the stupidity. Really, isn't there enough stress and nonsense without creating more.

I love the servers that are so afraid they'll lose a dollar, they have to make everyone else miserable. Where I manage, we have a simple rule, that is a standard in the industry. Whoever has the table when the food is served gets the tip. It's simple as dirt, it all evens out. I absolutely cannot stand the money grubbing troll that refuses to allow someone to cover their station until all the food is out. These are the same servers that will bitch about having to tip out bussers and bartenders etc. Because your too cheap to tip the folks that made it possible for you to have great sales ergo tips possible.

Sorry that there's not much humor in this one, I just needed to vent. If you recognized yourself in any of these, do me a favor. Either correct your behavior, stay the Hell away from me. Especially on Mother's day.

Gun Wisdom, because 911 is just there to take the report

If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.  If not, you should get one and learn how to use it. Shooting Advice: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not to protect you.  Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arm’s length  Never say "I’ve got a gun".  If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven’s sake let the "first sound they hear be the safety clicking off", and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.  'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes… the response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.' Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is a drill instructor (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Arizona ). Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self-defense and life as we know it in the civilized world."The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary.""Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way..""Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty." "If you're not shooting', you should be loading'. If you're not loading', you should be moving', if you're not moving', someone's going to cut your head off and put it on a stick.""When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy... and you're going to be one of 'em pretty soon." "Do something. It may be wrong, but do something." "Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available." "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?""Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good." "You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language.""You have the rest of your life to solve your problems.. How long you live depends on how well you do it." "You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family." "It's better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6" "Remember fast is fine, but accurate is final" "Any combination of 2 in the chest 1 in the head will work" More Excellent Gun Wisdom…  The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. 1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. 2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. 4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. 5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.' 6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.' 8. Beware of the woman who only has one gun, because she probably knows how to use it very well.'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both."Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not..." - Thomas Jefferson.