A guide to taking kids fishing

Before I get into my fishing adventure with my grand-daughter Madison, I need to preface this by stating that 

there are a few rules you need to keep in mind and something magical will happen.

First, if you are taking a kid fishing understand you will probably be doing very little fishing. Oh, you will be baiting, casting, untangling lines and hopefully landing fish. But, it won’t be on your pole. So don’t expect to get your line in the water.

Second, keep it fun. If the kids aren’t having any fun, neither will you! When the kids stop having fun, it’s time to do something else. We’ve all seen the kid in a restaurant that has been there too long, is bored and cranky. That’s not what you want the kids to remember about fishing.

Third expect to answer questions, LOTS of questions. It’s ok not to know the answers, the kids don’t either. Just don’t come up with something totally stupid that they’ll repeat to someone else.

Fourth fish don’t always bite, see the second rule. Have a backup plan.  With little kids the attention span goes to nothing if they aren’t catching fish. Feeding ducks can be fun, a hike around the lake, lots of county and state parks have playgrounds near the lakes.  Have a backup plan.

Fifth, know your prey. For first trips you can’t beat bluegill, these little boogers will bite on anything. I’ve used night crawlers, dough balls, bubble gum and bologna sandwiches. The point is they’re easy to catch and lots of fun for little kids. The same ponds and lakes generally also hold small mouth bass, crappie and a variety of sunfish. If a kid lands one of these on a first trip they’ll be hooked for life.

With these suggestions in mind get out there and FISH!

Fishing adventures with Maddie

Fishing with Maddie is always more fun than I expect. As soon as we had a few days without rain I got the question. “Papa, can we go fishin’”, as if I would say no. So we plan out a trip, well, I plan our trip. Living in the Sacramento area there’s lots of places to go. But, I settle on a county park that has a lake and stocks it with trout, catfish and (oh yippee) carp. If you’re a kid, you get excited about carp. Most fishermen however consider them garbage fish.

I spend the evening before texting my daughter about, clothes, lunch, juice boxes, sun block etc. 10,000 texts later I think we’ve covered everything. Then there’s her pole (a cute little blue and pink Barbie pole that doesn’t cast worth a darn) and my pole, tackle, lunch, cooler, folding chairs and bait. Phew, I’m beat, now I need to go to bed.

So mom drops her off, its a couple hours later than when I would normally go fishing. Trust me, any fish you miss at sunrise are worth not having a grumpy kids to deal with.  I got the van packed, poles, tackle, lunch, folding chairs, and extra clothes, go give Noni a kiss and we’re off.

It’s a short drive to Gibson Ranch. It’s a county park with a lake they stock regularly. Plus as we’re driving through the park there’s horse, goats, llamas and a pot bellied pig.  We park and I become a Sherpa. As we walk to one of the fishing docks, I get a lesson in ducks and geese. “Papa, do you know why those geese have a bump on their nose?”  “No Maddie, I think it’s just cause that’s the way they look”. Then she says  “is this goose poop or duck poop?”  “I think it’s goose poop, why?”  she says “They sure can poop a lot”.

We get to the pier, setup the chairs, setup her pole and get her cast out, that’s when it hits me. Barbie rod and reels don’t cast for crap. We can’t get it more than 5 feet from the pier. So, I cast out. Maddie says “I think I got a fish” “No Maddie that’s just the wind making your bobber bounce.”  She say’s “oh, ok. Papa after I catch a fish you can catch one.” (Ah, the optimism of youth).

Soon we have to do a bait check, her worm looks kind old and grey. So, I change bait for her, she thinks the worm threader is cool and wants to try. “Worms are hard to use cause they’re squiggly” “Yes, Maddie they are.”  It heats up and the fishing is real slow, so after a couple hours Maddie decides the playground across the lake is too much of a temptation.  But before we can leave Maddie has to set the worms free, well actually she decided to give the fish a free meal. She takes the cup of worms and walks around the pier dropping the worms, one at a time every couple of feet, until they are all gone.

We go to the playground, then after about an hour she wants to fish some more. I explain there are no more worms but, she knows there’s Power Bait in the tackle box. “Papa can we pleeease go fish from a table, pleeease?”  Fine pick a table, I drag out the poles and tackle box. “Papa the table is too far from the water, I need my chair” Silly me, I should have realized.  Ok, lines in the water and “Papa, I’m hungry can I have my sandwich?” Ok, back to the van to get the cooler, she gets her sandwich and sees the chocolate bar in the cooler. “Papa, what’s this?” she says in the most demure manner possible. I say “that’s a candy bar I brought” “Papa, is there anymore?” she asked. “No, I only brought one, but it’s big enough to share with you”  “Oh, Okay”.  She eats her sandwich waits and says “Papa do you want your candy bar now?” Of course I do.

The fishing is terrible but she won’t call it a day. She drags my stringer out and lasso’s her chair, then she ties up her chair. Then she discovers some chocolate that melted on her shoe. She picks up a goose feather off the ground and heads to the waters edge using the feather like a brush cleans her shoe. Then she comes to me and says “Papa why did they use plastic to make the goose feather?” I explain it’s the quill and before I can finish the explanation, she’s on to something else. We (okay, I) decide to call it a day load everything back in the van one more time. Before she’s even buckled in “papa, can we go fishing, next week on your day off?” So, I’ll chalk this trip up as a success! But we both agree she needs a better rod and reel, I wonder if I still have my old Zebco 303?

Thinking about Father's day and Dads

With Father's day approaching, I reflect a little about my kids and grand-daughters. To be honest like most fathers you do the best you can and hope that the good sticks. I guess the greatest compliment is that even as an adult, my daughters still believe I can fix almost anything. Any time something breaks, leaks, squeaks, rattles or just isn't right I get the call "Dad, the thingy on the whats it broke". Have tools will travel. I tell ya WD-40 and duct tape can go a long ways.

Father's day is also kind of sad, because unfortunately there are so many boys that think being a sperm donor makes them a dad. Let me tell you boys, if you haven't been there, for the tears from a bad dream, the sleepless night from because they're sick and miserable, scared out of you mind when they are out of you sight for a split second, to help them blow out the birthday candles, tie their shoes, bandaged the scrapes, share the hugs, tickles and tears, you're not a dad. Dad is a title that's earned, it isn't given with the expulsion body fluid. Dad's don't necessarily have to share DNA. What they have to share is time, wisdom and most importantly love.

In the time I've spent stumbling around this rock, I've seen precious few "men" that are dads. Most claim the title without doing the work. Maybe it's because my biological dad died when I was young, so of course he remains on pedestal today. But I look at the boys (I call them this because of their mental and emotional immaturity) today that father children then move on. Sometimes they are a part of their kids life sometimes not. In my life I've had a number of men that have shaped my character and idea of what a dad is and is not.
I guess you could say I've had a few "dads". I've been fortunate to have had men care enough to share their time, intellect, talent, patience and caring. To make me the person that I am and I hope that I have become someone they can be proud to know.

To the men that taught me how to, ride, drive, fish, hunt, stand up and be accountable, be a man and most importantly a dad. THANK YOU. I wish you were all still here.

Cowboy wisdom or just plain horse sense

As some may know I'm a huge fan of the American Cowboy. The guys that sat tall in the saddle, worked for everything they had and shot straight with guns, words and deeds. The John Waynes, Audie Murphys and Will Rogers. Now, I'm not confusing the men with an on screen persona. I'm talking about an attitude, philosophy and style that was straight forward and simple. 


You never have to ask real cowboy what he's thinking, because if he thought it was any of your business he'd tell you. But mainly it's the straight, simple logic or "horse sense". Here's some of my favorite quotes, some by the famous and some by the not so famous.


"Life's hard, it's harder when you're stupid"- John Wayne


"Courage, thats when you're scared to death but, you saddle up anyway" - John Wayne


"there's 3 types of people in this world, the ones that learn by reading. The ones that learn by seeing and then there's that damned fool that's got to piss on the electric fence himself"


"Bullets and words can't never be taken back"


"Don't squat with yer spurs on"

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, because you never know when you are finished."

“The trouble with doing something right the first time is that no one appreciates how difficult it was.”

"A crooked tree will never straighten its branches.”

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day". 

"There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works." 


"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around." 

"If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'."

"Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco." 

"It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

"Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut."

"Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment".

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson".

"When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else". 


"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back." 

"Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was".

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket". 

"A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle".

"Never miss a good chance to shut up". 


"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." - Will Rogers



"Sit tall in the saddle hold your head up high, keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky and live like you ain't afraid to die, don't be scared just enjoy your ride" -  Chris LeDoux"

Something old, something new, somethings I just don't get

So this blog is what happens when you get me in a tie, headed to a wedding and then give me TOO much time to think. I get the whole love of your life, happily ever after romance part. What I don't understand is some of the things that happen up to and during the reception.


The whole thing starts with a simple question, then everything gets weird. Theres picking the date, the colors, the wedding party, the venue etc. Somewhere along the line there's the engagement party. Friends and family gets together, bring gifts, get a little tipsy, a little emotional, wishes the couple well. It's sort of a pre-reception reception. Then the showers, more gifts more, more liquor etc. Bachelor and bachelorette parties, more liquor, more risqué gifts, starting to see a theme here. Work it right and a wedding can be a gold mine. 


Then we get to the big day, "friends and family" are invited that we haven't seen in years or even thought about. But what the Hell they'll at least send a present. Of course there are those that will show up just for free food and liquor. That's where Wal-mart comes in, we don't really know our cousin but, who couldn't use more kitchen utensils or bath towels?


Everyone gets to the appointed venue and theres all the "hi's, howdy, how long has it been, Lordy how the kids have grown" The subtext is a kin to that of a class reunion. "Wow, he's bald, Good Lord she got fat, I didn't know he was out of jail, I hope we're not at their table for the reception".


The ceremony starts and so do the OOHs, Ahhs and wows. "Isn't she beautiful?" " Gosh he's handsome" "what the Hell was that groomsman thinking with that hair cut" "Holy crap, that bridesmaid is way too fat for that dress"
There's the will you's and the I do's and he does and she does, stomp on the glass, jump the broom, let's get this party started!


So now comes the fun stuff. It seems throwing rice (no birds don't explode from eating uncooked rice) is to wish them fertility. In some European countries they throw eggs at the bride (that sound like too much fun!). Everyone files in the the reception and finds their respective tables (hopefully with someone you like). The band or DJ start up they introduce the couple. The toasts start, it always amuses me how much love they is at this moment. Then six months down the road, "what the Hell were they thinking, getting married to him/her what a _____".


Then the money dance, maybe I'm old fashioned. But if I'm gonna give money to a girl for a dance, there better be a pole and lap dance involved (just kidding, in case my wife reads this). The money dance actually started in Poland in the early 1900's. There's a lot of jokes I could go with, but I won't. A couple of weddings I've been to I think it was a bribe to get the bride to go away. 


Then everyone gets a little drunk and a select few always provide entertainment. You know the ones, the groomsman that really can't dance but, is drunk enough to believe he can. The girl thats dancing by herself, because no guy has the guts to get raped on the dance floor. The older father, uncle, grandfather etc. that thinks he's 20-50 years younger than he is. But, the kids are the ones to watch. The little ones that will try to emulate their parents or older siblings. Things that are down right embarrassing for adult or sitcom gold when a kid does them.


You have to excuse me now, my bride says it's time to go and if I keep her waiting she steals my cake. So for all those newlyweds, congratulations, MAZAL TOV and good luck. Hopefully, 30 years from now you'll be a grumpy old married man too!!

Happy day Mother_____!!

I dedicate this blog to all the restaurant workers in the U.S. The miserable lot that work to make Mother's day a great day for all the untalented, unimaginative idiots that can only show mom they care by taking her out to eat.

First, there's the moron that waits until the last minute to make a reservation. These idiots call the day before or that day to get a reservation. Then get all pissy because they are told no. They try to argue the point a little, "what do you mean you can't take anymore reservations?" "So what if I just show up?" etc. Then they try to come up with a reason why we should make an exception for them. Finally, they hang up, oh but we'll hear from this jackass again.

Next you have the idiot that makes a reservation for a much smaller party than they bring. "I have a reservation for Joe Smith at 1:30, we have a few more people with us" "Okay sir, your reservation is for 3". "Well.....there's....10 of us. What do you mean we'll have to wait until you have tables available? I have a reservation!!! These are the same dipsticks that don't count kids when they go out, then get indignant when they don't all fit in a small booth. These folks rank right up there with the Neanderthal that makes a reservation and figures "we can just show up whenever we damn well please, cause we've got a reservation."

One of my reservation maker favorites is the people that show up early then get mad because they have to wait for their table. If you wanted to be sat 4:30 then don't make the reservation for 5:00. It's your own damned fault you have to wait and yes if we are busy I will make your silly ass wait.

Of these is my final favorite, the mental midget that decides "we'll just show up....with a party of 10". No Einstein, I don't have an endless supply of tables and chairs I can pull out of my ass. This is the same jackass I spoke of earlier. Typically parties of 4-5 aren't a big problem. When you have to start rearranging furniture things get complicated quick. The more people the more tables, the more tables the longer the wait.

Squatters show up high on the list of holiday morons. You know the ones, the ones that have decided to have the family reunion in the restaurant. "We got our table, so we're gonna stay as long as we want. Sure I know there's 100 people out there waiting for a table, but I don't care".

Now, I don't expect civilians to understand any of this. They'll continue to do this crap year after year and blame the restaurants they patronize. What really galls me is when the cadre of people we work with compound the stupidity. Really, isn't there enough stress and nonsense without creating more.

I love the servers that are so afraid they'll lose a dollar, they have to make everyone else miserable. Where I manage, we have a simple rule, that is a standard in the industry. Whoever has the table when the food is served gets the tip. It's simple as dirt, it all evens out. I absolutely cannot stand the money grubbing troll that refuses to allow someone to cover their station until all the food is out. These are the same servers that will bitch about having to tip out bussers and bartenders etc. Because your too cheap to tip the folks that made it possible for you to have great sales ergo tips possible.

Sorry that there's not much humor in this one, I just needed to vent. If you recognized yourself in any of these, do me a favor. Either correct your behavior, stay the Hell away from me. Especially on Mother's day.

Gun Wisdom, because 911 is just there to take the report

If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.  If not, you should get one and learn how to use it. Shooting Advice: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not to protect you.  Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arm’s length  Never say "I’ve got a gun".  If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven’s sake let the "first sound they hear be the safety clicking off", and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.  'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes… the response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.' Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is a drill instructor (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Arizona ). Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self-defense and life as we know it in the civilized world."The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary.""Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way..""Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty." "If you're not shooting', you should be loading'. If you're not loading', you should be moving', if you're not moving', someone's going to cut your head off and put it on a stick.""When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy... and you're going to be one of 'em pretty soon." "Do something. It may be wrong, but do something." "Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available." "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?""Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good." "You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language.""You have the rest of your life to solve your problems.. How long you live depends on how well you do it." "You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family." "It's better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6" "Remember fast is fine, but accurate is final" "Any combination of 2 in the chest 1 in the head will work" More Excellent Gun Wisdom…  The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. 1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. 2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. 4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. 5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.' 6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.' 8. Beware of the woman who only has one gun, because she probably knows how to use it very well.'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both."Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not..." - Thomas Jefferson.

Andy Cohen must die!!

Who is Andy Cohen you ask? He is the man behind every "Real Housewives of......" on Bravo. Plus a plethora of other "reality" shows air via NBC Universal. The majority of these "reality stars" would probably perish once removed from their reality microcosm.

My wife seems to enjoy the "Real Housewives of..." series. To be honest every time one of these shows comes on I want to shoot myself in the head. I figure, I'd loose about the same number of brain cells. Now, I don't know anyone that behaves the way the "housewives" do and probably wouldn't associate with them if I did. I have never seen such self centered superficial cows as on these shows. If it weren't for their silicone, money and 6 degrees of separation. You would find these women turning tricks on a corner somewhere or working a pole at a local strip joint. Everything is a trauma, God forbid something not be centered on them or one of their spawn. There are very few profanities in my vocabulary that I withhold for sheer shock value. The "C" word is one. Yet every time these shows come on I must choke back the urge to scream it at the T.V.

Currently, Cohen is named as Executive or Co-producer in 7 Real Housewives franchises. Plus the spin off "Bethenny Getting Married?" and "Bethenny ever after". If you've ever seen Bethenny Frankel, she looks as though she's either a plastic surgery twin of Latoya Jackson or she's wearing female chimp make up from"The Planet of the Apes"

Don't get me wrong, I really don't bear Andy Cohen any malice, I understand that America will always be drawn to a freak show. Look at the talk show phenomena of the 80's & 90's. The parade of freaks on Jerry Springer, Maury, Montel, Jenny Jones or any of the other ringmasters every day. It's much like seeing a gruesome accident you have to look. Mr. Cohen does have some commendable shows to his credit. But it always reminds me of brownie points no matter how many you accrue one "oh shit" wipes the slate clean. 


Now please excuse me,  I have to go find some way to remove these shows from my cerebral cortex before they become permanently etched in my memory.  

Things that make me laugh

First, I can't believe I haven't blogged in 2 years!! Holy cow, if you've read any of my previous blogs you know I look at things a little differently. Some are amused, some are annoyed, but, I blog for my entertainment. Like most of the things I do, it's for my amusement if you are entertained great!! If not, oh well.

Smart phones make me laugh. Android, iPhone, Windows or whatever. They are often smarter than their owners and the apps they have. I never knew that I needed some of these apps. Like the air horn/fart app. Okay, farts are funny, sorry but, they are. So, who knew you needed a flatulent phone? My favorite thing about smart phones has got to be texting. Yep, auto correct texting. Until now I had no idea that my oldest daughter's name would auto correct to kabob. 

The government makes me laugh, where else could you get so many people arguing about how to spend money they don't have. I mean really the Democrats want to spend money that doesn't exist and the Republicans argue to spend less of the money that doesn't exist. Maybe I'm stupid but, if I don't have money, trying to spend it is a mute point. Like the old song says, "nothing from nothing leaves nothing"

Reality/Game shows, you know the ones. Survivor, Amazing race, Big Brother. Every season we get the usual cast of characters.The good guy, handsome, young, honest, down to Earth, with just enough bad luck to make you feel sorry for him. The bad guy, ruthless and will do anything to win. We hate him with the first syllable he speaks. The hot chick, sometimes she's the good girl, sometimes she's the bad girl. Guys like her most of the women hate her. The gay guy you gotta have one or the show isn't complete and the more outlandish the better. The ethnic guy, anything but Caucasian. Why so we all have some to root for or say "see, that's where the stereotype comes from".

Speaking of reality Game shows there's Dancing With The Stars. We all tune in every season to see who the fat star is gonna be and how bad are they going to look. Like rubbernecking at an accident. Likewise the old star, athlete and person who couldn't dance to save their life. My favorite is still Master P, proving for all time that not all black men have rhythm.

Lastly, Barrack Obama recently announced that he's going to begin campaigning for re-election. REALLY?
I didn't realize he stopped campaigning from the last election.

And then there is this. If you think your life is rough, check out these whiny asses http://whitewhine.com/

Now, go have a nice day!